 As a young child travelling through time during the 1960's I am observing events of the outside world in fast motion trying to decide at what point I should put on the handbrake and step outside my contraption. I am petrified at some of the events I have just witnessed, like the shooting of Senator Robert F Kennedy, the slaying of Martin Luther King, India's worse famine in 20 years, and the horrific events of the Vietnam War. I had heard about them on the news but now it is real life and daunting. As I continue to go backwards and forwards through time I have stopped off briefly at a Motel. All this travelling is making me hot and I am in desperate need of a shower but the owner Norman looks a bit Psycho to me. He has this sinister voice which sounds a lot like his mother Mrs Bates who has just called down to him from the attic. I caught a glimpse of her in the window as I pulled up. Looked as if she was in a rocking chair or something but from where I was standing she definitely looked like death warmed up! When I heard the dreadful screeching of violins I knew it was either my cue to get out of there or be stabbed to death in the shower. Hum.. tough decision or what? Hey, look at those two guys taking their first walk across the moon - having piloted the Apollo 11 lunar module to touch down on the Sea of Tranquility. If they were to make a film of this they could call it The 'Eagle' has Landed. Is this ground control to Major Tom or is it me calling Google Earth. As I observe the sun and moon traversing the sky I am floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today. Whilst Beatlemania is going on around the country and hippies are walking around chanting peace and love I choose to leave my capsule now and step outside into the foyer of an odeon in North London. It is 1969. At a time when everyone is watched the same television shows and listened to the same news broadcasts (on account that there are only three channels and all in black and white), this is the only way I can find myself in the limelight - at Saturday Morning Pictures. I am not ready to face too big an 'audience' just yet but a bunch of school kids I can manage. Enter the Usherette! The doors have opened and as I assist in showing them to their seats it is free viewing for me as I wait to serve popcorn, ice-cream and other refreshments from the vendor tray strategically placed around my neck, during intermission. Standing here in my little black and white outfit resembling that of a french maid, I feel particularly attractive and important - the outfit which is a far cry from my usual work attire which does nothing for one's self esteem. The high heels in replacement of 'sensible' gives me the height I have always craved and I check my little watch constantly hoping that time will stand still and like Cindarella at midnight I will not have to leave the ball. What power I have with my torch as I take delight at policing the theatre shining it across the teeny-bopper would- be lovers in the back row who have tried to steal a kiss while the lights are out. I do have a wicked side you see, or maybe it is just the green-eyed monster rearing it's ugly head. The martini advert on the television might talk about having it "anytime, any place or anywhere" but NOT in my cinema they won't! The showing over and "Piff, Paff, Poof" - I am gone in a puff of smoke and as I return back to 2008 these wrinkles merely indicate where smiles had been as I enjoyed the moment and being young again. In the world of entertainment 1969 was the era when Elvis completed his military service in Germany; when Eddie Cochrane - US Rock and Roll singer died in car crash; when the first episode of Coronation Street was screened: when comedian/singer George Formby died; when the first episode of Dr.Who appeared on British television; when movie actor Ronald Reagan was elected Govenor of California; when colour television was first broadcast in Britain; when actress Judy Garland died of a drugs overdose in London; When novelist Enid Blyton died; and when the Beatles hit "Love Me Do" was first released in Britain. And .. though they may not have their name up in lights, this WAS the decade when my hometown beat Arsenal 1-3 in the League Cup Final at Wembley. http://www.discoverchaplin.cm/charlie-chaplin- biography_1.en.html Cinema Magic  Entertainment on a budget........ Old Mother Riley was a key feature of Saturday Morning Pictures but so naive was I back then that it was only when into my teens did I realise that 'mother' was a man in drag. I have to say that Arthur Lucan played the part admirably, even convincingly as the Irish Washerwoman whose antics had the audience roaring with laughter. Though made on a miniscule budget the show turned out to be extremely profitable for its producers. The same could be said of Alistair Sims as the headmaster Miss Fritton in the St.Trinian's films which also featured weekly. I was totally taken in by his female characters but in hindsight it must have been very hard for him to conceal his manhood entirely whilst being cast among a group of schoolgirls whose overtly expressed femininity was exacerbated by their sexy and risque short skirts, stocking tops showing and tunics cut in such a way as to emphasise their busts beyond all belief. Whilst St.Trinians was only a fictional girls boarding school where the pupils were wicked and well equipped to cause mayhem at every opportunity, things are not so different nowadays. Teachers may not get away with being as disreputable as Miss Fritton and her colleagues but schoolgirl outfits today still leave a lot to be desired. Whilst the retro revamp of 2008 stays relatively true to the anarchic spirit of the original Trinian's movie, somehow the minxy world of fishnet stockinged schoolgirls does not have the same kind of innocent sex appeal of yesteryear. What a great relief it is for me to be able to look back and realise that it was not simply men in frocks that drew me to the cinema. By contrast I do recall being quite smitten with Zorro- a masked hero who "defended people against tyrannical officials and other villains in the local vicinity". Whilst his black eye mask concealed his identity, his presence was always made known by the distinctive Z mark that he left on his victims made with three quick cuts from a rapier. Though Zorro was a good deed-doer, albeit with unorthodox practices, I wonder what the authorities would make of him if he were to enter a time machine and end up in the 21st Century. Hiding his identity would undoubtedly put him in the same categories as the modern day "hoodies" who, like he once was, are equally cunning and foxlike whilst evading capture. Lucky for them the Human Rights Act prevents them from being branded these days and Zorro is spared a court hearing for GBH. As a young girl I have to admit that I was always intrigued by masked men, especially having watched the Man In the Iron Mask and would loved to have gone back to the days of Louis XIV. The iron mask which was reputed to have only been made of black velvet but caught the public imagination more in its "televised" form, aroused much curiosity for me as a viewer. I like to consider myself as somewhat of a mysterious girl hiding behind a mask of virtuosity when in reality I would prefer to be a victim of desire but without any ill repercussions. Mae West was once quoted as saying.. "virtue has it's own rewards but no sale at the box office." I think she may have had a point. Unlike paintings and literature, for me the cinema both gives life and takes from it. Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)was once quoted as saying that "Cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake." I used to enjoy big helpings back in my youthful days. Who can recall Tarzan the Ape Man? His claim to fame was that he turned me into a hopeless romantic from an early age. I would not dare miss a showing at the cinema though I would not go so far as to put Johnny Weissmuller up there with the likes of Clark Cable, Rock Hudson or Tyrone Power who were soon to turn my head. I guess it was the moment where Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle and was instantly attracted to him that provided me with the notion of love at first sight and happy ever after. This is why I have looked for romance in every film I have ever dared to watch and why I will not settle for anything less. Unfortunately nowadays the cinema seems to have exhausted its appeal for me, at least, and I now find it boring, superficial and overall inappropriate in terms of moral ethics. Thirty years on I can now enjoy watching the films from the comfort of my laptop on DVD. With the wonder of the web, I can set my PC Microsoft Oven to mstv.dinn//08.5 mins@50% heat; push the start.cook_dindins/gohot#cook.me 3mins button and hey presto I can eat and view at the same time. All I need is a microsoft waiter to top up my babychams and I will be in seventh heaven - you could say, a total emmersion into cinema magic! Richard the Lionheart ?  Or Richard the Brokenheart? FOR THE LAST TIME, RICHARD - I'M NOT CARRYING A TORCH FOR YOU. I'M A CINEMA USHERETTE. |